You Were Right

And as I sat there,
Watching them all together,
Dancing and having fun.
I was alone,
The ones I had thought were my friends?
Gone to others.

I was reminded then,
Of something that you told me,
Over and over again.
You had said it, and I had agreed with you,
At least on the outside.
And as your words echoed through my skull,
Something welled inside of me,
Something that I dared never show.

As I sat on the bus seat, alone,
Your words came back to me then,
As I stared out through fogged glass into the gathered darkness,
That reminds me so much
Of me.
And that something welled inside of me again
But I hid it inside,
And dared not let it show.
I’m the last to leave, alone.

My friend is talking to someone else,
The someone who has replaced me.
And your words come back to me again.
You’re so ugly.
People will only want you around
To make them look better.
When you said that last year
I always wanted to scream,
“Well what about you? Why are you still my friend?”

By now I’m in the darkness,
And everything comes forward
As a quiet sob escapes me,
But there’s no one there to hear it,
And the others that follow it.

And all I can hear are your words,
And all I can feel is the wind,
Trying to ever comfort me,
The only one who has ever seen my tears,
And tried to make them leave.

The dorm-head opens the door,
And I keep my head down,
Mumbling “Thanks” as I walk quickly by her.
The door opens into the cold darkness,
Silent and not as it once was.

My eyes are burning and I can’t keep it all
Locked away any more.
I try to focus on the story that I’m writing,
But the character is too much like me
And I throw it away.

The blanket coming around me,
Doing nothing against this cold I’m feeling.
There’s no one here to hold me,
Brush the hair out of my face and
Tell me everything’ll be okay,
There’s no one here to wipe the tears away,
No one even to hear the quiet sobbing,
Not even the wind.

I hug myself tighter as I all I can think is
He was right, he was right and
All I want is to go home, that’s ALL.
Over and over again,
Like my own little mantras.
All your words come back to me then,
Curled into a ball of pain and misery,
Crushed into a corner,
And I wonder what you would’ve done
If you had been here now.

Would you have laughed at me?
Or would you have wiped my tears away
And told me that you were there for me?

You were right about everything, you know.
Except me being a lesbian
And liking Rory (That was contradictory, dude. Rory’s a guy…).
The one I really liked was you.
I guess I still do.

I know I acted like I didn’t care
About everything you said,
But I really did,
And each one, new and old, left me bleeding,
I can still see the scars.
But in the end everything you said was right.
Do you still remember me?

My hair is sticking to my face,
My breath is coming in shuddering gasps.
I shove a memory away,
A memory of when I used to be happy,
Only to open it up to thousands more;
Every single one of them of where I used to live.
The one place I felt I truly belonged.

I curl tighter, if that’s possible,
All I ever wanted was a place to belong,
A home.
I used to have that,
Until the glass shattered,
And now I’m left cleaning up all the shards
And all the splinters
Of what used to be my life.

Who really cares about the ugly fat girl?
Would anyone notice if I died tomorrow?
I’m sure they would,
In the same way they see my hidden tears,
And the same way they hear my silent sobbing screams.
And you would still be right.

When was the last time someone saw me cry?
When was the last time anyone ever comforted me?
I listen to all their problems and never tell mine.
They ask and ask, but they don’t really want to know.
If they did, all they would have to do is look into my eyes
And they’d see everything.

As I sit here crying, alone, in my silent empty room
All I can think of is the place where I once truly belonged.
And you.
You knew me better than anyone,
And I was too stupid to listen.
And now I’ve been stabbed in the back too many times,
And all I hear are your words.

The rain is pounding down outside
And I push the screen out of the window
And am running among the raindrops,
As the lightning sparks, and the thunder drums.
As the tears run down my face.
I don’t know where I’m going,
Maybe nowhere at all.
Maybe I’m just trying to get away,
Trying to get away from my past and the deafening silence behind me.

My bare feet are pounding on the dirt road,
My T-shirt and jeans clinging to my body,
And still the tears are coming.
Will anyone know I’m gone?
Probably not, they hardly ever notice when I’m there,
So why would they notice when I’m not?

And no one will ever see me break down,
And no one will ever care.
And maybe one day
I will tell you
That I love you.
And maybe one day
I will tell you
That you were right all along.

Dedicated to one of the best friends I will ever have. It still escapes me how you knew me so well without really knowing me at all. Maybe one day I will have enough strength to tell you this to your face. But probably not…

Watching

I watch the girl,
The one whose thoughts are my own,
As she watches the skies
In their never ending dance.
The stars, the sun, the moon, the rain,
All reflected in her vacant, hidden eyes,
As she watches the sun begin behind
The horizon she will never visit.

The sky turns red, like the drops that
Run down her arms at night when she is alone
In the dark, the blackening cuts hidden by
The shirtsleeves and sweatshirt she always wears.
And as I watch her I can sense her fear,
The one that still plagues her, even now
As she stands, face upturned,
Watching as the blood-red sky fades to black,
Like the scabbed old blood on her upper arms.

The fear to be left alone, to be forgotten,
To only be the girl who stands alone,
And no one else.
And as the rain begins to fall
She begins to cry, knowing that no one
Will hear her, knowing that no one will see.
Her eyes turn earthward again, catching sight of me.
“C’mon, ‘Nessai.” She tells me,
Using that old nickname,
“C’mon, ‘Nessai. Let’s run.”

And with that she’s off,
Sprinting away.
I know what she’s running from,
Trying to escape what she can’t.
When I finally catch up to her
She’s at the pond, sitting on the dock,
Head buried in her arms as the rain
Pours down around us, hissing on the water.
I see her shoulders shaking, hear the quiet sobs.
The poor girl, she’s all alone,
To proud to let any,
But me and the rain and the wind,
To see her cry, to comfort her.
She’s lost everything, with nothing left to die for.
The wind whispers around us, not even moving
The sodden hair hiding her face and shoulders
From anyone who might care.

She breaking down, falling apart,
Nevermore known by humans,
Only by the rain, the wind, and me.
She’s dying too slowly,
Healing too fast,
But the wounds still show
Through the scars on her arms
And the haunted look
In her rain flooded eyes
Late at night
As she stares with longing
At the star-studded skies.

Red Sheets

Red sheets.
Darker red stains,
The blood that leaked through
The shoulders of her shirtsleeves.
The blood drops
Falling away from paled skin
Like the autumn rains
Already cold
As it falls away from itself.

Silver blade.
Smeared with blood,
Black and cracking.
Again and again it trails across
Her already scarred and bloodied shoulders,
Making the pale skin weep tears of crimson.
The more she bleeds, the more she cries,
And the less she feels like living.

She lying again,
She’s crying again,
She’s dying again.
A never-ending spiral,
Turning slowly until all
Has come to pass.
Slow and sure
The bad luck creeps upon her,
Killing everything around her.
Once and again,
Forever more,
And for never again.

Ignored

The whispers touch her ears
When they don’t think
She’s listening.

‘She’s fat,
She’s ugly,
She doesn’t belong.’

Each and every day they whisper,
Each and every day they stare,
At the ugly little fat girl
Walking in their midst.

She knows what they say,
She knows because she says it herself,
But still she acts like she never hears them
And that their whispers fall on deaf ears.

She smiles and laughs
While inside she’s crying and bleeding,
Screaming for help.
But her pleas go unanswered,
Ignored.

Hidden Forever and Fornever

Hidden In My Eyes
I look at them from a distance,
My head held high,
My eyes hurting from the sun.

And as I get closer,
The more the ground is interesting,
Every leaf, every blade of grass,
I know them all so well.

All people see is one who always laughs,
Smiling smiles to the walls behind them,
And they never see anymore than
The idiot in front of them.

That is the picture they build themselves,
So I take it and use it,
And they never question the flashes that run
Through my eyes.

It’s easier to feed
People their own lies
Then to show them
What you’re truly like.

And it’s easier for me
To stay the brainless happy moron
That they’ve so easily painted,
Then to show them the one they talk to,
Is a corpse that died so long ago.

I listen calmly to your problems,
Hiding my own feelings out of reach,
And then you ask me about mine.
I tell you that I have none,
And you tell me that I lie.

My problems are my own,
And it’s not like you need my thoughts
Weighing you down.
So I weave another lie,
Some truth mixed in as well,
And you believe it all.

If you really wanted to know,
What is on my mind,
What my problems are,
All you have to do is look into my eyes,
And that’s all you’ll see.

And I find it kinda twisted
And I find it kinda sad,
That the dreams in which I’m dying
Are the best I’ll ever have.
I dream of my death,
And then I wake in the morning
And scream in disappointment.

As the silence closes in on me,
I play the music louder,
And in the end it’s the darkness that finishes it.
The knife is lying there,
So simple, so sad.

I pick it up,
Flick it open,
Watching the light run
Along the dulled edge,
Soon to be joined by blood.

What Was Once So Sweet To Me

The music’s playing loud,
Louder than it has before.
So loud that it drowns out
The sounds of her sobs
And the sound of the silences,
Silences so deep that not even her screams
Can pierce them.

The blood’s falling faster,
Faster than it has before.
So fast that she’s beginning
To feel light headed, dizzy.
Her screams are dying in her throat
Just like her breathing.
And still the silence consumes her,
Until all that’s left is the music.

The music continues to play
As the blood continues to flow
As her friend walks in
Sees the bloody pools
Massing on the floor.
She screams and shouts,
Tries to stop the flow,
Tries to stop her soul
As it flows out with the blood,
Drop by drop.

But it’s too late,
She too long gone,
You should never
Have left her alone.
It’s all her fault,
She knew what she was doing,
All her interest focusing
On this last moment.

And as she breathes her last
She smiles, lays her head
Down in the blood,
Staining her light hair crimson.

And as she breathes her last
She whispers so light,
It’s like a moonbeam,
Watery in the darkness of
The starry night skies.
She whispers and fades
Back into the darkness that she
Has been living in for the past seven years.

This is what she whispers,
This is what she says.
“I’m leaving now,
And never again to see
What was once, alone,
So sweet to me.”

The View of A Dog

I watch the dog watching us,
So intent are his eyes,
Old and wise,
Even as cataracts obstruct his vision.
I can feel his eyes on my back as I turn away,
I can hear his thoughts, feel the disgust in them.

The old dog is kind to me though,
He says that he sees something in me,
Something to remember.
He says he hears the way they talk about me,
Laugh about me, behind my back.

“She is too fat, too ugly. Her hair is
Too brown, too frizzy, too short.
Her eyes are too blue, too wide, too bright.”
They are so cruel, these people, my kind.

He says he smells my blood, scabbed over on my arms.
He says he sees my sadness, my face soaked in tears.
He says he hears my sobs late at night, alone in the dark.

I just tell myself that they are my friends,
And I believe it, trusting those who kill me.
And he just sighs and gets up off the floor,
Turning his back on me as so many others have done.
Maybe he has finally given up on me as well.

I'm Trapped In A Memory

I’m trapped in a memory,
Lost in a melody
That no one has since then heard.

I’m trapped in a melody,
Lost in a memory
That everyone had long since forgotten.

I’m sick at heart,
Dying in soul
With no one even noticing my faltering steps.

I’m sick at soul
Dying in heart
With everyone noticing my idiocy.

I’m breaking down,
I’m searching for something
That has long since been lost.

I’m searching for the answer,
I’m searching for the cure,
I’m searching for a rhyme
That no one has ever heard before.

I’m crying to the stars,
Alone in the night
So dark that no one sees me there.

I’m crying to the night,
Alone with the stars
Feeling my blood trickle down my arms.

The Scars Bleed Deeper

The scars cut deeper,
Deeper than you know,
The blood flows more freely,
Following the silver blade
Down, across, back, and forth,
All across my upper arms, back, belly, shins.

‘Nessai says that I have to stop,
Stop the pain, stop the scars,
Stop the crying, stop the silences.
I know I should listen, but I can’t.
I know no one will read this,
I know no one will care.
So I continue to read,
So I continue to write,
So I continue to cut.

I’m walking at night, alone.
I’m running through the rain.
I’m dreaming through the days,
Trying to keep the memories,
Trying to keep my life,
Trying to keep everything hidden away.
I’ve been replaced,
I’ve been beaten,
I’ve been left bleeding on the floor.

I still don’t say the words,
I still don’t tell,
I still don’t talk about my past.
I sit on my bed,
Staring at the wall,
Staring at the back of a picture,
Staring through the page,
To the image that brings me so much pain.

A picture of my past,
A picture of a tree,
A picture of something I saw,
For every day of my life,
For eleven years
And now,
Will never see again.

Alone

I am watching her,
So late at night.
She keeps herself up so late
So she won’t dream tonight.
Dream of the past,
Dream of those that she’s lost,
And those she was unable to save.
Dream of those that still wound her,
Haunt her,
Why she lets them,
Even I don’t know.

Her eyes are glowing in
The light from the computer screen
As she looks at the results from another
Deviantart search,
This one: Alone.

Her eyes stop at a picture
Of a flower
Growing by itself in a city,
A dot of yellow amongst the graying concrete.
“Looking at yourself?” I ask.
Her eyes flick to me then back away,
Shaking her head slightly.

And her answering thoughts echoing
Through my head.
No. I wouldn’t be that pretty.
I would just be a speck of
Dust on an otherwise clean window.

I know she’s right,
But I still try to help her kill
The darkness over coming
Her dwindling light.
It’s not working.

Do We Feel...?

Do we feel the deaths of strangers?
Borne upon an angels wings?
The ravens flock,
And the crows cry,
Mourning the deaths of all.

The griffins fight blood spilling on the ground.
Red trees growing from red ground,
All birds cry,
Cry for the deaths of all.

The glass-shard pieces of lives
Scattered across the world.
Millions of cold lights reflecting off the pieces.
The dragons flame, burning bright.
Sun in the day, moon in the night.
The rain pours down of the corpses of those once loved,
The tears of long lost and forgotten gods.

The empty and lost dreams of humans,
Never to touch the falling skies.
Lost to the magic of the world that was once at their fingertips.

Now all is lost,
Lost to the Dance of the Mayflies.
Lost to the dead,
Drowned in tears.

Now close your eyes and dive into the reality,
The reality of a dead world.
The reality of the manacles and chains
Of this insane sanity.

Now open your eyes and fall into your own mind.
Fall into your own world, and watch the chains fall away.
Line up the pieces and watch life come into play.
This is where I live, where I think, where I feel.
And in my broken world I breathe.
Freer then you will ever know.

“To venture in the Fair Unknown,
I must enter as I leave.
A traveler.
Alone.”

And so does the unknown beckon to me.
The unknown darkness, the unknown death.
This vast space inside me,
That something has yet to fill.

That space where my emotions used to lie.
Now all I feel is an empty ache,
And I smile because that is all I know.
It is an empty smile, an empty laugh, empty words,
Dead of all emotion.

So now I struggle, so now I hurt,
Because that is all I can feel.
Don’t tell me that it’s all in my head,
That it will all go away tomorrow.

Because I have been waiting for the dawn to break,
For tomorrow to come,
But it is just getting darker,
And tomorrow will never come for me.

Because this reality has caught me in an iron cage,
All my memories,
All my emotions,
And even my soul,
Caught in that Other World.

And now I tell you,
And now I say,
If all you have learned is to stay away.

Away from your mind,
And away from the Other World,
So be it.

It is better than feeling nothing.
Nothing but pain and rage.

What Right Do You Have?

What right do you have
To judge me?
You have no right.
What right do you have
To make me say my secrets?
You have NO right.
Why do you laugh at me
For not remembering?

Because I am stupid,
Because I am a moron,
Because I am useless?
Why do you betray me
For being what I am?
Because I am something
That you are not?

Why do you pretend to be my friend?
Why do you gain my trust,
Only to stab me in the back,
And leave me dying in the gutter?
Because I have no memory,
Because I am to kind, to forgiving,
Because I am insane.

Why do you say you are my friend,
And then turn around and ignore me
Like everyone else?
You wanted to know
Why I keep my secrets hidden?
Why I don’t cry?
Why I don’t show emotion
Or how smart I really am?
Fine, I’ll tell you why.
Because my secrets hurt people.
They hurt me as well.
I don’t cry because people see it
As weakness and use it against you.

I don’t show emotion
Because each time I get
Stabbed in the back
It hurts just a little less.
I have learned that the smarter you are
The more people push you around,
The more they use you.
I hate to be used
And yet my friends do it
All the fucking time.
So why can’t you just leave me
To be me?

Just don’t talk to me,
Just ignore me like you always do.
Then it will hurt less
The next time you leave me alone.
What happens the next time
If you come back and I’m never there?
What happens if I keep running
And never come back?
It would be so easy.
Easier than slicing through my vein.
I’m obsessed with endings,
So here’s mine.
I DIED!

I am dying ever so slowly,
Prolonging the torture would be worse.
All I want to do is die.
Maybe then I’d stop being so annoying.
I am shattered,
Cut and bleeding from the pieces.
Yet no one cares,
No one even notices.
All they see is the ugly fat moron-girl
Sitting quietly in the corner reading.
They don’t see her tears.
They don’t hear her screams or her sobs.
Only the late-night wind has,
Only the late-night has tried
To make them go away.
So why can’t I run?
Why do I always come back to here?

All I want is a place to belong,
A place where I fit in for once.
I used to have that.
I wish I could go back then,
I would give anything to go back.
Even my life.
Look at my eyes and all you see
Is vacant emptiness.
No one lives there anymore.
I’m living in the past that
I am trying so hard to run away from.
All I can feel is pain,
All I can hear is a deafening silence,
All I can taste is my blood,
All I can see is a darkness so complete
That no light can ever pierce it.
So why can’t I run?
Why can’t I leave?
Why can’t I die?

I’m all alone.
No one will ever read this,
No one will ever care.
The ones I trusted have betrayed me.
Only the wind will see me cry,
Only the wind will see me die.
The rain is falling outside,
Calling me, beckoning,
For my soul to come dance
In the falling tears.
The flames are dancing,
Calling me, beckoning,
For my soul to come dance
Within the flickering light.
My true friends,
The only ones I trust
With my life.
Them and those who are dead.

I forever more swear
Never to trust another human,
Never to hope for anything,
Never to believe that I will be alright.
It has only brought me pain,
And I can’t deal with it anymore.
So please just let me
Fade away in to the shadows.
It’s all I want.

It’ll stop the mocking laughter of others,
It’ll stop the taunts,
It’ll stop the lies.
Just let me run,
Just let me cry,
Just let me feel something
Other than betrayal,
Just let me die.

But if I die today,
Will anyone remember me tomorrow?
Will anyone mourn my passing?
Probably not after the first few hours.
They would replace me with someone else,
They wouldn’t even remember my name.
As in life, in death.

If Only...

(A/N: Here's another to celebrate the opening of this blog!)

If only
If only
The tears of
My fears
Wouldn’t come
Where are they from?
A place to far
For me to bar
The helpless rage
On this page
Is speaking
From another,
From a dead brother,
One who died
For believing
In thieving
For his one and only
Because if only
If only
Then these tears
Of my fears
Wouldn’t be to far
For me to bar
And no one would fear
The pain of these tears
And then I could speak these words
To you.

Gilded Teardrop

The single golden tear,
Dropped from the branches
Woven high above me.

The gold teardrop assaulted
By the raindrops falling
From the gray sky.

Hit again and again
As it falls from the sky,
Yellow and black
Against the cold
Steel gray sky.

The single teardrop joined by others
As the wind blows, an aching cold around me,
Biting through my sweatshirt,
Gray like the high clouds.

I look up, following their dance,
Blinking as water crystals hit my eyes,
Seeing no gold, just black,
As the tree’s tears dance with the sky’s
On the wind.

And now it begins...

I will be posting these poems as periodically as I can make them. School, or other things, may get in the way but I will try to post at least one everyday. If you read them and have enough time left over I would be very happy if you could tell me what you think of them...