You Were Right

And as I sat there,
Watching them all together,
Dancing and having fun.
I was alone,
The ones I had thought were my friends?
Gone to others.

I was reminded then,
Of something that you told me,
Over and over again.
You had said it, and I had agreed with you,
At least on the outside.
And as your words echoed through my skull,
Something welled inside of me,
Something that I dared never show.

As I sat on the bus seat, alone,
Your words came back to me then,
As I stared out through fogged glass into the gathered darkness,
That reminds me so much
Of me.
And that something welled inside of me again
But I hid it inside,
And dared not let it show.
I’m the last to leave, alone.

My friend is talking to someone else,
The someone who has replaced me.
And your words come back to me again.
You’re so ugly.
People will only want you around
To make them look better.
When you said that last year
I always wanted to scream,
“Well what about you? Why are you still my friend?”

By now I’m in the darkness,
And everything comes forward
As a quiet sob escapes me,
But there’s no one there to hear it,
And the others that follow it.

And all I can hear are your words,
And all I can feel is the wind,
Trying to ever comfort me,
The only one who has ever seen my tears,
And tried to make them leave.

The dorm-head opens the door,
And I keep my head down,
Mumbling “Thanks” as I walk quickly by her.
The door opens into the cold darkness,
Silent and not as it once was.

My eyes are burning and I can’t keep it all
Locked away any more.
I try to focus on the story that I’m writing,
But the character is too much like me
And I throw it away.

The blanket coming around me,
Doing nothing against this cold I’m feeling.
There’s no one here to hold me,
Brush the hair out of my face and
Tell me everything’ll be okay,
There’s no one here to wipe the tears away,
No one even to hear the quiet sobbing,
Not even the wind.

I hug myself tighter as I all I can think is
He was right, he was right and
All I want is to go home, that’s ALL.
Over and over again,
Like my own little mantras.
All your words come back to me then,
Curled into a ball of pain and misery,
Crushed into a corner,
And I wonder what you would’ve done
If you had been here now.

Would you have laughed at me?
Or would you have wiped my tears away
And told me that you were there for me?

You were right about everything, you know.
Except me being a lesbian
And liking Rory (That was contradictory, dude. Rory’s a guy…).
The one I really liked was you.
I guess I still do.

I know I acted like I didn’t care
About everything you said,
But I really did,
And each one, new and old, left me bleeding,
I can still see the scars.
But in the end everything you said was right.
Do you still remember me?

My hair is sticking to my face,
My breath is coming in shuddering gasps.
I shove a memory away,
A memory of when I used to be happy,
Only to open it up to thousands more;
Every single one of them of where I used to live.
The one place I felt I truly belonged.

I curl tighter, if that’s possible,
All I ever wanted was a place to belong,
A home.
I used to have that,
Until the glass shattered,
And now I’m left cleaning up all the shards
And all the splinters
Of what used to be my life.

Who really cares about the ugly fat girl?
Would anyone notice if I died tomorrow?
I’m sure they would,
In the same way they see my hidden tears,
And the same way they hear my silent sobbing screams.
And you would still be right.

When was the last time someone saw me cry?
When was the last time anyone ever comforted me?
I listen to all their problems and never tell mine.
They ask and ask, but they don’t really want to know.
If they did, all they would have to do is look into my eyes
And they’d see everything.

As I sit here crying, alone, in my silent empty room
All I can think of is the place where I once truly belonged.
And you.
You knew me better than anyone,
And I was too stupid to listen.
And now I’ve been stabbed in the back too many times,
And all I hear are your words.

The rain is pounding down outside
And I push the screen out of the window
And am running among the raindrops,
As the lightning sparks, and the thunder drums.
As the tears run down my face.
I don’t know where I’m going,
Maybe nowhere at all.
Maybe I’m just trying to get away,
Trying to get away from my past and the deafening silence behind me.

My bare feet are pounding on the dirt road,
My T-shirt and jeans clinging to my body,
And still the tears are coming.
Will anyone know I’m gone?
Probably not, they hardly ever notice when I’m there,
So why would they notice when I’m not?

And no one will ever see me break down,
And no one will ever care.
And maybe one day
I will tell you
That I love you.
And maybe one day
I will tell you
That you were right all along.

Dedicated to one of the best friends I will ever have. It still escapes me how you knew me so well without really knowing me at all. Maybe one day I will have enough strength to tell you this to your face. But probably not…